Fear vs Hope

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”. Nelson Mandela.

Over the last week I have been asked by a couple of people how I stay hopeful through my pain. Whilst resting over the last week I have pondered this question and have to say that I haven’t always been hopeful and I have had to push through the pain and some really dark days to arrive at a place of peace and hope.  When I became ill 5 years ago I had no explanation for the pain for many years. I woke up one morning unable to walk, read, sit and watch a film, socialising became really hard and I forgot simple things like my address. I started to find it really hard to have conversation and my speech started to slur making me very self conscious. It was scary that the doctors were unable to understand what was going on in my body. I slowly became extremely fearful…. Fearful for my own health, fearful of work, fearful for my marriage and family and fearful of sleep. I found myself subconsciously isolating myself. Lifes little stresses started to feel massively overwhelming.  People don’t realize that health is the foundation on which we build our lives. We need shelter, water, food and safety as well, but when your health declines this can often be the trigger to losing everything else. People really do take this for granted. 

It was a good friend who helped me realise that I was becoming overwhelmingly fearful and became the catalyst for change in my thinking. She would regularly pray with me and as I focused on God’s word and his eternal promises—I began to see how God was working through my pain. I realized that I couldn’t actually control anything about my situation except for my attitude and actions during this period.  It was comforting in a strange way to recognize that things were beyond my control and having to lean back and allow God to take control for me. As I started to lift my fears I also wanted to take positive steps towards turning my fear into hope. These are some steps I took: 

•  I decided to focus on my good days so the bad days would lose their control over me
•  I would start to ask for help when I needed it.
•  I would talk to people, tell my story and talk about my pain. I believe that suffering gives us compassion for others who are hurting and when we tell our story to people who suffer with chronic pain we can inspire others and give them hope. 
•  Instead of focusing on what I couldn’t  do, I would be grateful for what I could do. 
•  I would take care of myself by giving myself time to rest and heal. 

As I took these steps and started to research chronic pain I gained a greater understanding of my pain and its triggers. This gave me a little control over the pain and flares. I discovered new creative ways to enjoy myself and relax. I started drawing again, this was something I hadn’t done for many years and forgot just how therapeutic this process was. I started to knit and became a proper granny, knitting away for my grandson. I started to listen to audio books instead of reading. As I slowed down I started to see things I would normally rush past. It really opened my eyes to the natural world or social problems happening in our city. I have really started to treasure everyday in a new way. 

Once I started talking to people about my pain I realised I wasn’t alone in this struggle because millions of people suffer and have similar situations to me. Lots of people suffer worse than I do and their illnesses dehabilitate them making it hard for them to walk without walking aids. Sharing my struggles has helped me connect with others and I’m constantly inspired by stories of recovery or battles fought with so much bravery. Sadly when I have started to talk about my illnesses I have not always been met with love and understanding, but with opposition. People who believe that my illness have been a psychological problem. I have had friends who distanced themselves from me because they are unsure of what to say or how to support me. I have found this very hard to navigate. For me, psychological or not the pain is still very real, dehabilitating and invisible. Medical professionals are beginning to understand these illnesses and understand the changes that take place in our bodies to give a person unexplained chronic pain. I am thankful for the medical professionals  that I have had and thankful everyday that I can get out of bed and go to work and live a relatively normal life despite my pain. Not everyone is that lucky. I know if I tried to navigate this in my own strength I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning and face my day. Thankfully I,unlike many others, have a loving family and supportive friends that have helped me through. This lack of support that others in chronic pain recieve is my motivation to walk and raise funds for pain relief foundation. I want to encourage the medical practice to research these invisible illnesses and find ways to best treat the pain. 

Throughout this process I have had bad days, but I also had good days so I made a conscious decision to focus on those good days and they multiplied. I gradually found it easier to spot the good days so they increased with abundance. Even days full of pain started to become good days. Changing my fear into positive thoughts really started to change my perspective on life.  For me, understanding and tapping into the power of hope was a massive game changer. The road has never been easy but It has been a choice I have had to make every morning; to face the day with hope. Choosing that hope every morning is what has conquered my fear.